Awwww, poor tootie.

Poor Tootie is getting her laptop worked on and can't get on Tootie and Muff...so in FULL and TOTAL support of her...I post the incredibly awesome Olgavie home perm and lucky charm birth mark for the world to see. We miss you Tootie.

~Muff~

Special shout out...Muff style

I would like to take a moment and recognize a very special Tootie and Muff reader who is currently deployed to Afghanistan...PEANUT HEAD this is for you buddy....and I quote "Next to getting married and the birth of my kids, the ressurection of Tootie and Muff is the best day of my life"

I miss you and BE SAFE PH...see you soon!

Never have truer words been spoken...

'Nuff said.

~Muff~

Allow me to ring your MuthaF#CKIN' Bell

I make no secret how I feel for the bell ringers...let me clarify that I FULLY support the Salvation Army and all the wonderful things that the organization does for the less fortunate...but Bell ringers? Hate 'em. Not all...but a LARGE MAJORITY.... Oh yes I do and let me tell you why....they are smug, staring you into guilt judgers!

So there I am...after work...tired...hungry and realize I need something from the grocery store, no problem...zip in, zip out...and then, as I step out of my car...I HEAR IT...stops me dead in my tracks...SHIT! THE BELL RINGER...and I think, "Who carries cash anymore?"...not muff...so I go over my options...RUN into the store and avoid all contact or go back to my car and dig out change out of my ashtray holder...DAMN......just made eye contact...MUTHAFRUCKA....back to the car I go....dig dig dig....ok, a handful of non quarters (don't judge me)...and back through the parking lot...*ringring*... yea dude...I get it, I know what you want and I know how to do it....*RINGRING* STRAIGHT STARING AT ME and ringing that bell with FORCE...seriously dude, here ya go, stop ringing the bell so loud...so I forceably shove those coins in there, ONE BY ONE ;)...could be DOLLAR coins for all this guys knows...whatever....duty is done, into the store I go.....SOOOOOOOO, GET THIS B.S...I waltz out of the store a mere 10 minutes later and that jackass from before had the AUDASITY to go on break and now this OTHER dude is there ringing that dayum bell!!! He doesn't know WHO I AM! He doesn't know I might of just stuffed alot of money in that kettle!!!!! WTF!!!!!! So I do what any other respectable woman in my position does.......

I pretend I have a very important call and run to my car....Merry Christmas to ME.

~Muff~

WOOB..start your engine!

Apparently 3am is the new exciting to play with our new toy that our momma so graciously got for us...yep...like clock work, I'm awoken by a single squeek...then another...and another in rapid succession...then it's RACE CAR WOOB....All I hear is the clang of dogtags...my cream suede couch being used as a launch pad...*YELP* (an unfortunate landing)....and the squeek of a one eyed (also lost in the launch) mutant squirrel toy....ROUND AND ROUND the living room Woob goes...in her peanut mind I'm certain she thinks she is a Greyhound turning the last bend towards victory...or out in some forest destroying the meek little critters in her ferocious jaws... OUT the dog door she flies, shaking the door so hard with her "big boned frame" that I'm afraid she has torn my sliding glass door off the rails....seconds later....she's back...panting...last bit of effort throws her body up on the bed and presents me upon my face a soggy, grass matted squirrel toy....~finally~...the race/hunt is over.....3:05 am......time to go back to bed.......*SQUEEK*

MEET THE BOSS...

Meeting your new boss for the first time can be nervewracking...you want to put your best foot forward and impress him with your brilliance and utter dedication to duty...but as he goes into detail about his work ethic and slight OCD, even calling himself "anal" in the pursuit of perfection...it is NOT recommended that in a moment of desperation to find common ground that you exclaim...... "Oh that's great, I wish I was more anal!"...... *SILENCE* ......ummmmmm yeaaaaaaaaaa...not really the desired effect you were goin for.

I quit.

The gift that keeps on giving...no, not herpes.

That's right, my man sent me a gift....what is surprising you the most? that I got a man, or that he sent me a gift?....Anyways, it went a little something like this. I was hanging out with my man when he says the 4 magic words any gal would love to hear...."I bought you something"......Me? I'm feeling like a million bucks, proud that my man cares enough to buy me a *surprise*. I of course had to ask "what is it?" his reply was "something I saw and thought of you?" OMG!!!! I'm on flippin cloud nine....have my twinkling eyes inspired this man to buy a jewel of sometype? Have my amazing cooking skills inspired him to take me to Savanah to meet Paula Deen??? My mind is a flutter with these questions when the words any gal hopes to NEVA hear came out of his mouth....."I saw it in a ad in my junk mail"....What?!? Please tell me I did not just hear that. the words bought, gift and junkmail should never be used in a sentence. The days turned to weeks I as patiently went thru my weekly junk mail trying to figure out WTF could possibly be in those ads that made my man think of me. My mind wandered as I saw the ads for the pastel colored polyster pants, the flannel lined blue jeans and the ever wonderful tomatoe tree...Im baffled, feeling trashy when *it* arrives......I can hardly contain myself as I open it up an low and behold...I do a sigh of relief because my Man sent me the 1,000 piece window cling set for any and all Holidays you could possibly have in the United States and China. If its a day worthy to go on the calendar, you can bet your sweet ass I got a cling-on for it.....and that is the story of my gift. Now excuse me as it is National kiss an Asian day and I gotta go celebrate it by sticking a cling on in my window....Nice to be back...Much love, Tootie

*Ahem....I can fit through this.

Oh, HOW do I know this????? WEll let me tell you...A certain day in sun scorching summer I decided to go for a run through my neighborhood, let's be honest...it was more of a "jog"...running would imply it was fast...anyways...I'm feelin' all proud of myself...and as I imagine my victory shower I turn my front door handle....NOTHING. No give..no easy turn to the left...locked. Now...a weak woman would deflate immediatly. Oh yea, I did that....but then out of sheer determination and the fact that I had to go to the bathroom...I did what any Macgyver is training does....I swore. A LOT. When that didn't miraculously open the door, I tried to talk Woob into understanding the English Language and unlock the door...Let's just say she is no Lassie...Hmmmm, windows? Not a chance...my fear of someone breaking into my house and killing me in my sleep had prevented me from enjoying any sort of fresh air from a flowing breeze....next option? Well really...the only option...the dog door. Now let's be realistic...I know I'm no mouse, my bones don't just collapse into tiny porportions, trust me...those size 6 jeans KNOW this...ARG...MUTHAF@#KER...so I lug my ginormous trash can to my fence and catapulte myself over...OH IT'S A GAME...apparent to Woob who has gathered as my welcome committee of one....NOT PLAY TIME...If I had balls I'd be sweatin them off...pissed off and about to get my fat asss stuck in a dog door, I imagine who would be the first to find my body and questioned if they would immediatly laugh or try to help me? Knowing my circle of friends, I know it's the latter...DAMN....So I eye the door...ummm, glad I didnt have a big lunch....DAMN....that's a small door....OMG, I hope I'm not on some perverted nanny cam right now...OK...I...CAN...DO...THIS....quick 360 scan to ensure my neighbors can't see me....hands, head, torso through...OH IT'S GAME TIME WITH MOM!!!!!!!!! As woob tries to fit through the door with me....no hands to push her face back....so let's take stock....My hands, My head and MY torso....and Woobs head...goin through the dog door, same time....flailing legs do not deter her sudden NEED to get into the house...nor do threats of me takin her brown ass back to the pound ASAP...I'm gonna kill her, no question....I feel like I'm in a birth canal...one last push...CONGRATULATIONS dog door...You just gave birth to a grown woman, I'm BORN. Sweating, covered in dog hair and missing random areas of skin...I survived to tell my tale of survival.

P.S....picture of dog door has been slightly altered to showcase a pool that I do not own...Just tryin' to be fancy ;)

Back to basics....

The beggin' is over...dry those tears Bethy...Tootie & Muff is back with a vengence.

SERIOUSLY?????

Dear Neighbor,

Hey, it's Muff, your neighbor to the right, ya know, the one you never wave back too? Ya, me. Anyways...just thought I'd point out that THERE IS A MUTHAFRICKIN' HURRICANE HEADING OUR WAY...seriously, the weather channel has it's camera directed at my house and I'm pretty sure I just saw Jim Cantore huddling in my bushes outside...that being said, I'm just curious WHY IN THE HELL you would feel the need to put all of your sharp, potentually flying debris N shit in the front of your yard??? Seriously? You have wood siding piled up. You have a trash can full of random junk. You have a big ass ladder (really?) and as a finishing touch you have a big 'ole pile of tree limbs and crap...Your house looks like the storm has already hit it and you are tucked comfortably in your Fema trailer.

Ummm, yea...Can you say insurance fraud? Well guess again Mr & Mrs Clampett cuz I just tempted fate (and risked my life, I might add) and ran out in the pouring ran just to snap a picture of your clusterf**k...YUP I DID, and guess what? When all that crap hits my house or shears my head off when I'm trying to peek out my window...I'm gonna sue your hillbilly ass. I'm gonna take your house, demolish it and plant a lovely garden of tulips and daffidils.

So thank you very much ASSHOLE and I hope your house is weakened by termit infestation and blows away.

Love,

Your neighbor Muff

*** Don't you worry sister....I am now first aid certified...got a card and everything so when that board gets impalled in the side of your head or tree limb gets stuck up your ass I know what to do.

Love You,

Tootie