MEET THE BOSS...

Meeting your new boss for the first time can be nervewracking...you want to put your best foot forward and impress him with your brilliance and utter dedication to duty...but as he goes into detail about his work ethic and slight OCD, even calling himself "anal" in the pursuit of perfection...it is NOT recommended that in a moment of desperation to find common ground that you exclaim...... "Oh that's great, I wish I was more anal!"...... *SILENCE* ......ummmmmm yeaaaaaaaaaa...not really the desired effect you were goin for.

I quit.

The gift that keeps on giving...no, not herpes.

That's right, my man sent me a gift....what is surprising you the most? that I got a man, or that he sent me a gift?....Anyways, it went a little something like this. I was hanging out with my man when he says the 4 magic words any gal would love to hear...."I bought you something"......Me? I'm feeling like a million bucks, proud that my man cares enough to buy me a *surprise*. I of course had to ask "what is it?" his reply was "something I saw and thought of you?" OMG!!!! I'm on flippin cloud nine....have my twinkling eyes inspired this man to buy a jewel of sometype? Have my amazing cooking skills inspired him to take me to Savanah to meet Paula Deen??? My mind is a flutter with these questions when the words any gal hopes to NEVA hear came out of his mouth....."I saw it in a ad in my junk mail"....What?!? Please tell me I did not just hear that. the words bought, gift and junkmail should never be used in a sentence. The days turned to weeks I as patiently went thru my weekly junk mail trying to figure out WTF could possibly be in those ads that made my man think of me. My mind wandered as I saw the ads for the pastel colored polyster pants, the flannel lined blue jeans and the ever wonderful tomatoe tree...Im baffled, feeling trashy when *it* arrives......I can hardly contain myself as I open it up an low and behold...I do a sigh of relief because my Man sent me the 1,000 piece window cling set for any and all Holidays you could possibly have in the United States and China. If its a day worthy to go on the calendar, you can bet your sweet ass I got a cling-on for it.....and that is the story of my gift. Now excuse me as it is National kiss an Asian day and I gotta go celebrate it by sticking a cling on in my window....Nice to be back...Much love, Tootie

*Ahem....I can fit through this.

Oh, HOW do I know this????? WEll let me tell you...A certain day in sun scorching summer I decided to go for a run through my neighborhood, let's be honest...it was more of a "jog"...running would imply it was fast...anyways...I'm feelin' all proud of myself...and as I imagine my victory shower I turn my front door handle....NOTHING. No give..no easy turn to the left...locked. Now...a weak woman would deflate immediatly. Oh yea, I did that....but then out of sheer determination and the fact that I had to go to the bathroom...I did what any Macgyver is training does....I swore. A LOT. When that didn't miraculously open the door, I tried to talk Woob into understanding the English Language and unlock the door...Let's just say she is no Lassie...Hmmmm, windows? Not a chance...my fear of someone breaking into my house and killing me in my sleep had prevented me from enjoying any sort of fresh air from a flowing breeze....next option? Well really...the only option...the dog door. Now let's be realistic...I know I'm no mouse, my bones don't just collapse into tiny porportions, trust me...those size 6 jeans KNOW this...ARG...MUTHAF@#KER...so I lug my ginormous trash can to my fence and catapulte myself over...OH IT'S A GAME...apparent to Woob who has gathered as my welcome committee of one....NOT PLAY TIME...If I had balls I'd be sweatin them off...pissed off and about to get my fat asss stuck in a dog door, I imagine who would be the first to find my body and questioned if they would immediatly laugh or try to help me? Knowing my circle of friends, I know it's the latter...DAMN....So I eye the door...ummm, glad I didnt have a big lunch....DAMN....that's a small door....OMG, I hope I'm not on some perverted nanny cam right now...OK...I...CAN...DO...THIS....quick 360 scan to ensure my neighbors can't see me....hands, head, torso through...OH IT'S GAME TIME WITH MOM!!!!!!!!! As woob tries to fit through the door with me....no hands to push her face back....so let's take stock....My hands, My head and MY torso....and Woobs head...goin through the dog door, same time....flailing legs do not deter her sudden NEED to get into the house...nor do threats of me takin her brown ass back to the pound ASAP...I'm gonna kill her, no question....I feel like I'm in a birth canal...one last push...CONGRATULATIONS dog door...You just gave birth to a grown woman, I'm BORN. Sweating, covered in dog hair and missing random areas of skin...I survived to tell my tale of survival.

P.S....picture of dog door has been slightly altered to showcase a pool that I do not own...Just tryin' to be fancy ;)

Back to basics....

The beggin' is over...dry those tears Bethy...Tootie & Muff is back with a vengence.