SERIOUSLY?????

Dear Neighbor,

Hey, it's Muff, your neighbor to the right, ya know, the one you never wave back too? Ya, me. Anyways...just thought I'd point out that THERE IS A MUTHAFRICKIN' HURRICANE HEADING OUR WAY...seriously, the weather channel has it's camera directed at my house and I'm pretty sure I just saw Jim Cantore huddling in my bushes outside...that being said, I'm just curious WHY IN THE HELL you would feel the need to put all of your sharp, potentually flying debris N shit in the front of your yard??? Seriously? You have wood siding piled up. You have a trash can full of random junk. You have a big ass ladder (really?) and as a finishing touch you have a big 'ole pile of tree limbs and crap...Your house looks like the storm has already hit it and you are tucked comfortably in your Fema trailer.

Ummm, yea...Can you say insurance fraud? Well guess again Mr & Mrs Clampett cuz I just tempted fate (and risked my life, I might add) and ran out in the pouring ran just to snap a picture of your clusterf**k...YUP I DID, and guess what? When all that crap hits my house or shears my head off when I'm trying to peek out my window...I'm gonna sue your hillbilly ass. I'm gonna take your house, demolish it and plant a lovely garden of tulips and daffidils.

So thank you very much ASSHOLE and I hope your house is weakened by termit infestation and blows away.

Love,

Your neighbor Muff

*** Don't you worry sister....I am now first aid certified...got a card and everything so when that board gets impalled in the side of your head or tree limb gets stuck up your ass I know what to do.

Love You,

Tootie

What do you do after getting served divorce papers???

I go out and color my hair. Nothing feels better then washing the grays and the man right out of your hair : )

MUFF WANTS TO BE ADOPTED

SETTING: Muff is talking to her momma, Jubee on the phone....

ring ring

Muff: Hey Ma! Did you see Tootie and Muff today (laughter) I got Tootie soooooo good! BURN! Woo-Hoo! You shoulda see the picture I put up of her "school picture"

Jubee: Ummm, Yea, I did but I didn't want to tell you (uncontrollable laughter)

Muff: (Confused) Oh Yea? Why not?

Jubee: (LAUGHTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR)

Muff: Um, Ma?

Jubee: I had to look a few times (laughterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

Muff: (Thinks Jubee is drinking) HUH?

Jubee: I had to look a few times because I couldn't remember when you had that costume!

Muff: UH WHAT?

Jubee: I (laughter) thought (laughter) it (MORE laughter) was (snort laugh snort) YOU

MUFF: SILENCE.................................................................................

Jubee: (Laughter) I love you!

Lookin' goooooooooood Tootie!!!!

I am SO glad to see you finally got your staff school pictures back Tootie!

Psst...I think your pad is showing...but the Jazz hands and glitter headband almost make it un-noticable...well done.

Oh honey...NO.

Ummmm, goodness...wow. Uh lady, I can't help but notice but....you seem to have CATS tattoo'd where your eyebrows should be...CATS...Goin out on a limb here but I'm thinkin' your single.

Watch yo' self

Sometimes in the dangerous world of bad guys....ya gotta go undercover.

Take THIS all you Halloween crafty people.....

Ya, I made these things! CRAFTY Halloween things....Halloween heads to be exact...and they are INCREDIBLE...and I even put them on a Halloween plate and everything...cause I'm CRAFTY and I ROCK...that is why!!!!!!! So Muff, take your little glue gunned spider woman outfit and remember where you got all that craftiness from....ME!!

My Mom is gonna be so proud : )

It is a sad day when you go on FACEBOOK and.....

it says..."Willing to sell my sister for a good back rub" and the best offer you got was for a fist full of pocket lint...LOL!!

F.Y.I.
I got someone who said he would buy me from you and give ME the backrub..He wins!!!!

*Off to sell Muff on Adult Friend Finders for a good foot massage : )

Muffs house 2010

It's like I've seen my future...MEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

HAPPY TGIF YOU ALL........

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Please take time to enjoy a ponyboy..or two: )

I got 3 reasons while we will never make it on "AMAZING RACE"

1) Um...ya..you have obviously forgotten that I am severly *DRIVING CHALLENGED*. I am lucky to get my happy ass around Owosso let alone some foreign country so...you would have to do all the driving.

2) See above photo now imagine EATING it!! Oh right...I almost forgot..you have that esophagusvagina blockage thing going on and so who would get stuck eating the lamb head with fresh eyeballs in the food challenge??? BINGO!!! Me and that just is not happening.."Oh I know..you would be on the sidelines giving me *THE PEP* talk but it ain't happening so keep your "C'mon Holly you can eat it!" "It's only horse testicles..piece of cake!" to yourself!!!!!

3) It is a primetime family show and I just don't think they would have enough BLEEPS to cover up the language that would come out of our mouths like when we got lost driving....or when I actually PUKE up the lamb eyes...ect...ect...ect.

Sooo....I say we throw caution to the wind and just sign up for *So you think you can dance?* cause we would ROCK!!!!!!

How 'bout this....NO.

Hoarders. Ummm, yea....All I have to say is you BETTA CLEAN YO SHIT UP BEFORE YOU DIE CUZ I'M NOT CLEANING IT UP WHEN YOU DO. **lights a match**

It's a MULLET Festival post ya'alllllllllllll

What is THIS you may be asking? It's a fried twinkie. I ate one. And it was DELIIIIiiiiiiCIOUS.

Did you know that the Niceville Mullet Festival is also known as "Take walmart, flip it upside down, SHAKE all the people out of it, stuff them in a fairgrounds, fry EVERYTHING imaginable on a stick and get drunk?" I'm puuuuuuurty sure it is.

I'm not quite sure WHAT the Mullet festival is, but while there, I realized one thing...."Nothing says love like matching camoflage..."

I had to use my lovely assistant "Pelissa" (I'll use that to protect Melissa's identity)...to stage the pictures and prevent me from getting my ass kicked.

I'm gettin' me some camoflage...ASAP ;)

Life lessons by Muff...#206

Sometimes in life we get blamed for things we did not do. And sometimes we get *mad* and engage in a very heated "discussion" with the person who accused us. Sometimes we get on our phone and text our girlfriend about how this "person" who blamed us is a "jacka**" or a "douche bag" or an "a**hole"....and sometimes in the heat of our frenzy we do not realize that we have just *accidently* sent it to the "person" we are mad at until we hit sent and then hear their phone go off instantaniously.

LESSON LEARNED:

1. Clenching your fists and saying *F**K!* does not make the offending text go away.

2. Although you would of CLEARLY won the battle, you have now just lost the war because now you have created a shit storm that is going to take a WHOLE LOTTA groveling on your part to fix.

3. And lastly....Laughing hysterically and pretending it was "just a joke" doesn't work. At all.

**Disclaimer** This is OBVIOUSLY a made up story that I made up for the purpose of teaching you all something 'cuz I OBVIOUSLY am not foolish enough to make such an insane mistake. *Pfffft! As if!....... and if someone ever ACCUSSES me of ever doing this... I will ENSURE that I do not text ANY of my friends and talk *bad* about them. I swear. Lesson learned.

Looking GOOD Larry....

Hey...anyone got a hat Larry King can borrow?? He looks like the Crypt Keeper and its kinda CREEPING me out! Thanks, Love, Tootie

P.S. Perhaps it is time to touch up the "just for men haircolor"? Just a thought...love your show!

Just a little F.Y.I.........

I have decided that I am going to go live in a plastic bubble until spring. I'm thinking a germ and idiot free enviroment is just what I need : ) Love, Tootie

In honor of Muff who is attending the mullet festival.....

I present to you the man who *perhaps* started her mullet obsession many years ago. You know he is thinking "Damn I look good!" wavy in the front, long in the back..makes you weak in the knees doesn't it? I bet on the weekends he races his trans-am downtown mulletville, USA. Rock on mullet man...you are smokin HOT!!!

*This may or may not be an old boyfriend of Muffs. Seems like I can recall this long haired babe climbing out her bedroom window once or twice.

The Little Debbie man sure knows how to unwrap my smile...

You know...It is good to know people in high places. I know what you must be thinking..."Who is it that Tootie knows?"...A lawyer....A Doctor...A Hit man?? Nope, even better....I KNOW the Little Debbie delivery man. It happenend one Friday afternoon when I was sent to the party store across the street to buy baby oil and zingers for Amber. Maybe it was the combo of those two things that caught his eye? who knows...all I know is that I said "Hey, how are ya" as I continued my quest for the baby oil. We struck up a conversation and before you know it I was walking out with hundreds of donut holes..they may have been out of date but who cares? I was just gonna feed them to the kids. I was a superstar for the day at Washington school.. Fast forward to yesterday... ..I just happenend to be using the ATM when who do I see...the Little Debbie Man..I said "Hey little Debbie Man" and he said "You can call me Greg" And I said "You can call me Julie"...(never give out your real name unless you are REALLY interested!) Needless to say I walked away with a bag full of Oatmeal cream pies and life was good again. I guess the moral of this story is...be nice, you never know what you may get out of it...Now if I can just track down the man who delivers Zingers.........

Ahhh remember when......

Ahhh Tootie...remember when you and I used to cheer with Cynthia and you were black? Man those were good times....And what about when you used to play guitar with Motley Crew?

Sigh.......those were good days...

TOOTIE SAYS: Not only do I not remember being a black cheerleader (although I sure can rock a Jeri curl), I also don't remember having a penis and balls when I was in the rock band.....WHATEVER!!!!

It's not what you think...pervert.

Sooooooo, hey everyone...get your minds out of the gutter cuz you are about to learn a very important lesson. What you are looking at is my esophagus, the right side is not a vagina but a little opening to what is SUPPOSSED to be a 25cm esophagus. I happen to have a mass.

Now you might be sitting there thinking OMG, how sad, how scary...but NO. I'm sitting here cursing at all you people who for years have told me it's "all in my head" and laughed like a child at me having to chew tylenol/motrin/vitamins ect ect... I won't point any fingers (tootie)...or those of you who suggessted "Oh just take that big ass pill with some APPLESAUCE" (Jubee)..... Well I'm here to tell you there is no amount of APPLESAUCE or mindpower that's gonna open that vaginasohagus.

I feel vindicated.

TOOTIE SAYS: I'm not buying the whole "esophagus" think. I still think you are indeed posting photos of your vagina on this blog..totally inappropriate....that calls for a 5 minute time out lady!!

Call of the wild.....

Sometimes you look back and just go Hmmmmm??? Which one of us came up with this brilliant idea??.... "Hey let's dress up like jungle hookers and then actually go somewhere dressed like this? Moving on................

Muff says: Oh lawd......WTF was I wearing? I feel confident to say that it as probably yours...

TOOTIE SAYS: No way!!! I'm sure whatever I am wearing was yours. Love the fluffy hairdo : )

For my own viewing pleasure...

Maksim...The worlds most beautiful man....I want to bear him 19 children : )

Chaundra Levy or Heidi Reilly?????

I'm glad that Chaundra is alive and well and rocking the Mom jeans like nobodys business..Now go out there and kick Gary Condits ASS!!!!!

Hey Lori..I'm back..

You've missed me...I've missed you as well. See that look in my eyes..it is telling you that I'm gonna sneak in your bedroom and suck on your toes and then if I can get myself on your bed I'm gonna run my little Tracy Sutton fingers through your hair. Maybe when I am done you can help me put my shoes on the right feet. Yes, Lori....I'm back just for you!!!!!!

Because once is NEVER enough....

Back by popular demand..and well, just because I find it pretty damn funny. Ok, lets go over the check list shall we??? Ruffled turtle neck...CHECK.....Monogramed hot pink sweater with a extra large H in the middle...CHECK...The ability to post a photo of Muff this classy...PRICELESS!!!!
So bring on the 6th grade bad perm pic...I'm ready for it!!

AWKWARD, I think I just saw your eye of the tiger

The tiger...beautifully mullet-manged, stands awaiting his prey...time ticks by...he is eager to pounce...when will she run by?...the ferocious tiger glances at his watch...tootie is late....he has tomatoes to can, he can not wait...run, run...upon his tippy toes he goes...like a magnet to anything metal that might stick...so undeniable...he will be back...TO BE CONTINUED...

TOOTIE SAYS: Yes, it is true.....He is Gay and he loves me. He may be obsessed with my hair but he makes a great running partner. And besides, he's right....My hair would look stunning in a French Twist updo : )

Bamboozelled

Dear Keebler,
You have messed with the wrong woman...

Ass kissing 101

Ummm yup, that's my coffee cup. After finding out that my boss is VERY religious, I have taken matters into my own hands and decided to profess my love for Jesus as well....granted, I think the random shouts of "I LOVE JESUS" from my office were just as effective...I find my coffee cup to be equally helpful in my quest for office domination and favoritism.

***TOOTIE SAYS: Just for the record....I think Muff is going to earn herself a ticket straight to hell for this post and that mug! Perhaps she needs to sit in on one of my daily Bible studies? I'm thinking she does!!!!!

Jesus take the wheel

If some of you just happen to be facebook friends of mine, you already know that I have found my #1 source of entertainment and that would be.....*drum roll please*....peopleofwalmart.com....yup, it's just what you're thinking it is and let me just tell you... it is absolutely HILARIOUS...that is, until today...

Now you may just be thinking...

1. HOLY SHIT, that's ALOT of woman

2. That's a whole lot of self confidence.

3. Underwear? Questionable.

4. HOLY SHIT, That's really ALOT of woman...

But no...I'm sitting here thinking....Oh GAWD....I have that shirt :(

TOOTIE SAYS:

Dear Muff,
Thanks so much for bringing back the greatest profile picture of all times! You in your Christmas tree skirt/dress and me in my Checkered picnic tablecloth/overalls. Sadly, Im still mystified why Jubee would not only give us Billy Bob haircuts but to then dress you like a monk and me like I'm getting ready to go to a hoe down. It is no wonder we never had boyfriends until we were 26...LOL!!!

Order your Christmas gifts NOW....

So we had school pictures taken at school.....I was prepared...had my Sunday best on, did my hair so I did not look like Medusa, lined up the darlings and away we went to get our pictures for the yearbook taken. I was first....no big deal, I've done this before one quick pic (considering that I am STAFF now) and I'm done.... OH HOW WRONG I WAS...I walk up with a smile on my face and it starts...away I went in a time warp..I didn't know if I was in the glamour studio at the mall or back at Hick's studio getting my senior pictures taken...Photographer man says.."stand and put your thumbs in you pockets and bend your knee"...WHAT?!? "Ok, now cross your arms and tilt your head" You have got to be kiddin me...at this point I am convinced that Ashton Kutcher is gonna jump out and say I've been PUNKED..but wait it gets better..head shot time...."Do you wanna hold a flower?" Hell no I don't wanna hold a flower!!!!! So I folded my hands under my chin and continued my Olan Mills from hell photo shoot....Finally enough was enough...maybe it was the startled look on my face or maybe it was the little darlings in the background called him a "mother Fucker" whatever the case it was done and so was I. In a few weeks I will have these gems..can't wait to share them with you all!!!

All sorts of AWESOME...

I'm just curious to know just what kind of party this guy went to....Helmet, thong, clogs and what appears to be some sort of explosion...I wanna party with this guy.

TOOTIE SAYS: I am sooo taking him to the next office Christmas party...Ya Baby!

Let the pandemonium begin....we're BACK

MUFF SAYS: Hello everybody...welcome back and might I just say it's good to BE back! Took a few months (ok, a year) off and I'm ready to start blogging again! So sit back and enjoy...

TOOTIE SAYS: Hey You....I've missed you guys! After dazzling each other with stories otherwise known as *OUR LIVES* we are back. We are both going through many life changes and can agree that laughter really is the best medicine. So....If you are pregnant, have a bad heart or don't have a sense of humor please exit this ride NOW!!!! You've been warned.......